Heads-up: This post is reactionary and was written immediately after an uncomfortable incident. It therefore contains a fair amount of language that you wouldn’t find in, say, the theory-heavy posts on this blog. It’s hard to respond to objectification without swearing.
Whitney is one of the coolest people I know. We were out having a drink a few hours ago when this twerpy straight white dude hijacked our Lady Time. He was a total douche-canoe. Whitney is a super strong Olympic-weight-lifting-crossfitter who could literally kill a man with one hand, and I was majorly channeling Veronica Mars. Still, he would not leave.
After he was finally gone, I wished he would come back so we could rhetorically analyze his failures. And that’s only partially because I love nothing more than making straight white boys cry. It’s mostly because this kid really needs to learn about deconstructing the patriarchal culture he subscribes to, and he REALLY needs to learn how to treat women like they’re humans. If I saw this Bro Farm prodigy again, I would hand him this list entitled, Things That Made Me Hate You.
- Sitting down next to me, uninvited, and saying you came over because your friends didn’t think you would. Okay. You and your friends have been observing the bar scene and have decided that we’re your best targets. That doesn’t make me feel creeped out at all! Except, wait, actually the opposite. Totally feeling creeped out. Whitney and I aren’t plush toys in a claw machine. You can’t win us by throwing down a few quarters and clumsily fishing about for a few minutes.
- Guessing our ages like we’re piglets at a county fucking fair.
- Insisting on knowing our occupations and not leaving after I coldly told you I professionally kill men for money.
- Claiming to be a ‘nice guy’. The very first Life Lesson I remember my mom teaching me is this: Never trust someone who says, “You can trust me!’” If they have to say it, you know it’s untrue.
- Saying you’re really a nice guy because you’re not bragging about your swanky job at Lockheed Martin.
- Thinking we’d be interested in you because you work at Lockheed Martin.
- Not leaving after I made sassy comments about my moral opposition to nuclear missiles.
- Repeatedly using the word ‘retarded’ like, wow, you have such a super $$$ job but zero basic human empathy, so attractive!!
- Trying to turn us against each other by weirdly playing good cop/bad cop with us. As if we’re about to throw each other under the bus for your obnoxious self. AS IF, PAL. Ovaries before brovaries. What are you, new??
- Saying it’s sad that we’re out alone when we’re clearly out with each other. Look buddy, we don’t actually spend our lives pining for male attention. Sometimes ladies go out with each other solely because they want to spend time WITH EACH OTHER. And you sitting here being a jerk is taking away from our quality Lady Time.
- Dismissing our interests. You think rhetoric is a useless waste of time. You don’t like to read. You think writing is boring. You don’t think teaching is worthwhile. WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
- Saying that you wish you were still on vacation in Australia because ‘the chicks’ liked you more over there. And not leaving even though it’s clear that we also wish you were on the other side of this planet instead of sitting right next to us.
- Bringing up your ex-girlfriend and calling her a bitch. Look, this is the biggest and the reddest of all the Big Red Flags. Why do you think that hating other women will make me like you? I’M A WOMAN. Hearing you talk about women is a really good indicator of how you will talk about and treat me. Putting down any women, comparing me to other women, suggesting that there are “other girls” and I’m superior because I’m not like them is disgusting. You’re trying to rank me in a ‘woman vs. woman’ competition that I did not agree to participate in. It’s not endearing. It’s a really fast way to spot that you’re selfish and misogynistic. Oh, boy, you are the reason I’m a misandrist. All women, all the time!! Four for you, women. You go, women. And none for you, straight white boys.
- TOUCHING ME WITHOUT MY GODDAMN PERMISSION. Then laughing instead of never fucking touching me ever.
- Saying “I don’t want your ass; I’m just here for a CONVERSATION.” And thinking that we owe you our time and attention. Because you just want a conversation. What you want is to see us naked and that will never happen.
- Talking so loud you drown out the jukebox when the only reason we come to this bar is to hear Joy Division.
- Being named Brenton. I realize this isn’t entirely fair. But it is true that I’ve never met a good one.
What a stupid night. There’s no faster way to ruin my good mood than by refusing to treat me like a human being. It’s super fun to deal with a random straight white man who thinks degrading me will make me want to suck his dick!!
Now ,it’s two in the morning and I’m casually browsing JDate.com. YEAH I AM. Handsome Jews*, I am coming for you**. Because if I’m dating one of you, then when I tell a dude to leave me the fuck alone, he’ll listen. Because men respect other men more than they respect women.
Sometimes I think about how funny it is that this blog is called Angry Feminist Killjoy. All I want is to exist in the world without being objectified and treated like a random man’s property. But wanting that apparently makes me a certifiable AFK and that’s why we need feminism. It’s hard out here for a bitch.
*All Jews are Handsome Jews.
**I am not really coming for you. I am barely 23 and I’m trying to make it through graduate school and I have really great friends who I want to spend all of my time with and tl;dr: I am not interested in dating right now. Although, lol, lbr, I do love ogling handsome Jews.